Posts Tagged ‘cheaters’

Do you want to know why your man cheated on you? I mean, really really want to know why? Then put down the carton of Häagen-Dazs, dry your eyes, and read this article… It might just save your next relationship!

With the exception of my wife, I’ve cheated on nearly every significant relationship I’ve ever been in. It’s a fact I’m not proud of, but there it is. If there’s one good thing that came out of all this, it’s that I have some good insider information on why men do this sort of thing. Secondly, if you want to get anything out of this, just forget about the idea of right/wrong or good/bad. I’m not your priest so I don’t deal with the binary concept of right or wrong. I’m more concerned about the facts of human behavior and you should be too if you don’t want your next boyfriend to cheat on you. Got it? Great!

Now for the third and most important fact about cheating: you helped bring it upon yourself. Harsh? You bet, but it’s every bit the truth. I’m not your girlfriends, your sisters or you mother so I’m not going to say things like, “He didn’t deserve you,” or “You were too good for him, honey.” That kind of talk just encourages you to keep doing the things you’ve been doing that drive men away. At some point you have to want to change your behavior to change your results. So if you’re ready to hear what you need to hear – not what you want to hear – then feel free to read on. C’mon! You know you want to… it’s why you clicked the link, after all.

Reason Men Cheat No. 1: You Neglect Him
If you don’t want to get cheated on, don’t neglect your man. Consider this cautionary tale: The first time I ever cheated was in my very first relationship with a woman named Lilly. We lived about 30 minutes apart, so I looked forward to the weekends when I could see her; but during the last six months of our two-year relationship, she was going out and doing things without me… a lot. Enter the Serbian Seductress, a coworker with shiny black hair, legs for days, and a pair of breasts like two heat-seeking missiles.

One particular weekend when Lilly ditched me yet again, the Serbian Seductress and I, well… you can pretty much figure out where it went from there. I never told Lilly about my fling, not that it mattered; my premonitions about my girlfriend’s copious amount of “alone time” proved true: we eventually broke up. I might’ve mentioned the Serbian Seductress after that.

Reason No. 2: You’re Emotionally Immature
You might be in your 30s or 40s, but some of you have the emotional maturity of a 15 year old. It shows in the relationship games you play. One of my exes – Ms. Piggy – believed the key to a healthy, long-term relationship was for her to constantly be playing games. Whether she was doing it to make me jealous of other men or neglecting to have sex with me often so I would “appreciate her more,” everything with her was a power struggle designed to maintain control.

These kinds of games work when you’re in high school; but when you’re in your 30s and 40s, this shit gets old. Throughout the history of our five-year, on-again/off-again relationship, I had cheated on Ms. Piggy with nearly 30 women including her best friend. Needless to say, she was rather devastated when she finally found out; I guess I had my own way of showing her who was in control.

Reason No. 3: You Sever his Manhood
While pulling the ol’ Lorena Bobbitt trick is a definite dealbreaker, that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about the metaphoric act of chopping a man’s balls off, which is constantly deriding him about not being “man enough” for whatever it is that you think he should be. Case in point, my ex-girlfriend Nellie Oleson; all she ever did was compare me to my best friend, whom she said was better than me because his job paid more, he had a house, and a lake lot complete with motorboat. It was very demeaning, to say the least.

Ladies, if you’re constantly feel the need to tell your man that he’s less than a man, he’ll go out to prove that he is… with another woman. Consider yourself lucky if it’s just a one-night-stand; but chances are, he could find someone who loves him for who he is and he’ll leave your ass quicker than you can say, “Why don’t you make as much money as Tony?” Take it from me, Nellie Oleson learned this lesson the hard way when she drove over to my friend’s house to see me wrapped in the arms of someone younger, hotter, and more endowed.

Reason No. 4: You Constantly Accuse Him
When I get constantly accused of doing something I didn’t do, it kinda makes me want to go out and do it. Double that for anything illicit, illegal, or immoral. During our first year of wedded bliss (cough!), my ex-wife Peaches constantly accused me of cheating on her. It got to the point that it became a nightly ritual when I came home from work. The first few times I was able to say, “No, honey. That’s not what’s happening. I love you with all my heart.”

After a few months of near-constant harassing and haranguing, I quickly changed my tune to, “Well, if I’m gonna get blamed for it, I might as well do it.” Thirteen years later, my ex-wife still remembers the name of the woman I had an affair with. What’s more, she said that woman’s name with all the bitterness and venom of a clutch of rattlesnakes. And here I thought I was just doing what I was told!

Reason No. 5: Feminism
Yeah, I said it and I’m going to stand by it, too. Look ladies, I know the angry, unreasonable, man-hating feminist routine is a huge hit when you’re in your 20s; but if you want to keep your man at home, you might not want to subscribe to an ideology that demeans, belittles, and outright castigates him and his entire gender. And let’s be honest, either all feminism is radical or only angry, hateful, radical women subscribe to its theories. There wouldn’t be such blatant man-hating otherwise.

When men are looking to settle down, we want a woman who’s soft, caring, and nurturing. Forever and ever, amen is a LONG time, after all… too long to spend with some Valerie Solanas wannabe lecturing us about how leaving the toilet seat up is a form of patriarchal oppression. And have you ever seen the leaders of the feminist movement? They’re like pit bulls in drag, only with less sex appeal. I wish I had a personal story to share here, but even I’m smart enough to avoid the feminazi brigade when I met them.

Reason No. 6: Magical Thinking
“Once a cheater, always a cheater.” Ever hear that one? For the most part, it’s true… but if you think otherwise, you’re engaging in “magical thinking” or the belief that you will somehow be special or different that the proven statistics. Aesop of Aesop’s fables fame new all about magical thinking way back when he wrote the story of The Farmer and the Viper. I suggest you read it, because if you’re dating a cheater, then you’re the farmer and this guy you think you’re going to change is the viper.

If you marry the guy who cheated on his wife to be with you and expect him to be faithful, you’re engaging in magical thinking. You’re also an idiot. Same goes for women ignore the warnings from trusted friends to date men with horrible reputations and baby mamas all over town. These ladies are actually shocked, mortified, and completely devastated when he sleeps with some tower of whore. And women who stay with a guy who admits to having cheated in all his past relationships are just too stupid to try to help so I won’t even try.

While men who cheat might be nasty, evil, disgusting pigs, chances are you played a starring role in his infidelity. Yes, in a perfect world, people would either be the perfect creation you thought your pussy would make them or they would have the balls to just break up with you before they stray. Well I got news for ya… this world is far from perfect.

Until the day comes when we all piss rainbows, shit clouds, and live in peace and harmony with each other, you’re going to have to suck it up and change some of the negative habits and patterns that might be preventing you from having the relationship of your dreams. It’s either that or you start buying kitty litter in bulk. The choice is yours, princess but don’t take too long; time waits for no man… or woman.

J.P. Ribner is the author of three novels – “Legacy of the Bear,” “Prophecy of the Bear” and “World So Dark.”