So he Cheated: Here’s Why

Posted: October 28, 2014 in Life
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Do you want to know why your man cheated on you? I mean, really really want to know why? Then put down the carton of Häagen-Dazs, dry your eyes, and read this article… It might just save your next relationship!

With the exception of my wife, I’ve cheated on nearly every significant relationship I’ve ever been in. It’s a fact I’m not proud of, but there it is. If there’s one good thing that came out of all this, it’s that I have some good insider information on why men do this sort of thing. Secondly, if you want to get anything out of this, just forget about the idea of right/wrong or good/bad. I’m not your priest so I don’t deal with the binary concept of right or wrong. I’m more concerned about the facts of human behavior and you should be too if you don’t want your next boyfriend to cheat on you. Got it? Great!

Now for the third and most important fact about cheating: you helped bring it upon yourself. Harsh? You bet, but it’s every bit the truth. I’m not your girlfriends, your sisters or you mother so I’m not going to say things like, “He didn’t deserve you,” or “You were too good for him, honey.” That kind of talk just encourages you to keep doing the things you’ve been doing that drive men away. At some point you have to want to change your behavior to change your results. So if you’re ready to hear what you need to hear – not what you want to hear – then feel free to read on. C’mon! You know you want to… it’s why you clicked the link, after all.

Reason Men Cheat No. 1: You Neglect Him
If you don’t want to get cheated on, don’t neglect your man. Consider this cautionary tale: The first time I ever cheated was in my very first relationship with a woman named Lilly. We lived about 30 minutes apart, so I looked forward to the weekends when I could see her; but during the last six months of our two-year relationship, she was going out and doing things without me… a lot. Enter the Serbian Seductress, a coworker with shiny black hair, legs for days, and a pair of breasts like two heat-seeking missiles.

One particular weekend when Lilly ditched me yet again, the Serbian Seductress and I, well… you can pretty much figure out where it went from there. I never told Lilly about my fling, not that it mattered; my premonitions about my girlfriend’s copious amount of “alone time” proved true: we eventually broke up. I might’ve mentioned the Serbian Seductress after that.

Reason No. 2: You’re Emotionally Immature
You might be in your 30s or 40s, but some of you have the emotional maturity of a 15 year old. It shows in the relationship games you play. One of my exes – Ms. Piggy – believed the key to a healthy, long-term relationship was for her to constantly be playing games. Whether she was doing it to make me jealous of other men or neglecting to have sex with me often so I would “appreciate her more,” everything with her was a power struggle designed to maintain control.

These kinds of games work when you’re in high school; but when you’re in your 30s and 40s, this shit gets old. Throughout the history of our five-year, on-again/off-again relationship, I had cheated on Ms. Piggy with nearly 30 women including her best friend. Needless to say, she was rather devastated when she finally found out; I guess I had my own way of showing her who was in control.

Reason No. 3: You Sever his Manhood
While pulling the ol’ Lorena Bobbitt trick is a definite dealbreaker, that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about the metaphoric act of chopping a man’s balls off, which is constantly deriding him about not being “man enough” for whatever it is that you think he should be. Case in point, my ex-girlfriend Nellie Oleson; all she ever did was compare me to my best friend, whom she said was better than me because his job paid more, he had a house, and a lake lot complete with motorboat. It was very demeaning, to say the least.

Ladies, if you’re constantly feel the need to tell your man that he’s less than a man, he’ll go out to prove that he is… with another woman. Consider yourself lucky if it’s just a one-night-stand; but chances are, he could find someone who loves him for who he is and he’ll leave your ass quicker than you can say, “Why don’t you make as much money as Tony?” Take it from me, Nellie Oleson learned this lesson the hard way when she drove over to my friend’s house to see me wrapped in the arms of someone younger, hotter, and more endowed.

Reason No. 4: You Constantly Accuse Him
When I get constantly accused of doing something I didn’t do, it kinda makes me want to go out and do it. Double that for anything illicit, illegal, or immoral. During our first year of wedded bliss (cough!), my ex-wife Peaches constantly accused me of cheating on her. It got to the point that it became a nightly ritual when I came home from work. The first few times I was able to say, “No, honey. That’s not what’s happening. I love you with all my heart.”

After a few months of near-constant harassing and haranguing, I quickly changed my tune to, “Well, if I’m gonna get blamed for it, I might as well do it.” Thirteen years later, my ex-wife still remembers the name of the woman I had an affair with. What’s more, she said that woman’s name with all the bitterness and venom of a clutch of rattlesnakes. And here I thought I was just doing what I was told!

Reason No. 5: Feminism
Yeah, I said it and I’m going to stand by it, too. Look ladies, I know the angry, unreasonable, man-hating feminist routine is a huge hit when you’re in your 20s; but if you want to keep your man at home, you might not want to subscribe to an ideology that demeans, belittles, and outright castigates him and his entire gender. And let’s be honest, either all feminism is radical or only angry, hateful, radical women subscribe to its theories. There wouldn’t be such blatant man-hating otherwise.

When men are looking to settle down, we want a woman who’s soft, caring, and nurturing. Forever and ever, amen is a LONG time, after all… too long to spend with some Valerie Solanas wannabe lecturing us about how leaving the toilet seat up is a form of patriarchal oppression. And have you ever seen the leaders of the feminist movement? They’re like pit bulls in drag, only with less sex appeal. I wish I had a personal story to share here, but even I’m smart enough to avoid the feminazi brigade when I met them.

Reason No. 6: Magical Thinking
“Once a cheater, always a cheater.” Ever hear that one? For the most part, it’s true… but if you think otherwise, you’re engaging in “magical thinking” or the belief that you will somehow be special or different that the proven statistics. Aesop of Aesop’s fables fame new all about magical thinking way back when he wrote the story of The Farmer and the Viper. I suggest you read it, because if you’re dating a cheater, then you’re the farmer and this guy you think you’re going to change is the viper.

If you marry the guy who cheated on his wife to be with you and expect him to be faithful, you’re engaging in magical thinking. You’re also an idiot. Same goes for women ignore the warnings from trusted friends to date men with horrible reputations and baby mamas all over town. These ladies are actually shocked, mortified, and completely devastated when he sleeps with some tower of whore. And women who stay with a guy who admits to having cheated in all his past relationships are just too stupid to try to help so I won’t even try.

So…
While men who cheat might be nasty, evil, disgusting pigs, chances are you played a starring role in his infidelity. Yes, in a perfect world, people would either be the perfect creation you thought your pussy would make them or they would have the balls to just break up with you before they stray. Well I got news for ya… this world is far from perfect.

Until the day comes when we all piss rainbows, shit clouds, and live in peace and harmony with each other, you’re going to have to suck it up and change some of the negative habits and patterns that might be preventing you from having the relationship of your dreams. It’s either that or you start buying kitty litter in bulk. The choice is yours, princess but don’t take too long; time waits for no man… or woman.

J.P. Ribner is the author of three novels – “Legacy of the Bear,” “Prophecy of the Bear” and “World So Dark.”

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Comments
  1. Reblogged this on The Big Girl's Guide and commented:
    A lot of women get cheated on and they all have that one burning question…WHY????

    Well, here is a blog for all you who’ve been there and never truly understood what went wrong. It’s easy to just say that cheater is an asshole who didn’t deserve you but before they became that cheating asshole, they were someone you loved. Did you treat them like they were loved? Did you do all you could to make them feel special and wanted? Did you truly try to make your relationship work?

  2. marriedheat says:

    Harshly stated. But truth is truth.

    If I read this correctly, you stated at the top that you cheated on every woman you were in a significant relationship with, except your wife. Then you admitted to cheating on your wife because she gave you permission through her accusations. So, have you ever had a faithful relationship?

    I’ll give you an A+ on Number 5. Feminism has and continues to ruin the man/woman relationship.

    I’ve always wondered about the mental ineptitude of the person that marries a cheater.

    • johnribner13 says:

      To clarify, I cheated on wife number one but I’ve not cheated on wife number 2. (Perhaps I should’ve clarified that I’ve been married twice.)

      And to answer your second question, yes… there were a few relationships I’ve had where I didn’t cheat, my current wife being the most recent and significant.

      Thanks for reading!

    • Also, for purposes of clarification…I am the current wife. And I suppose at some point, likely in this comment thread later – I will address why I chose to stay in a relationship and marry a man that I knew was a prolific cheater in the past.

      • marriedheat says:

        Well, you don’t need to explain yourself to me. I am interested in your reason. I meant no judgement on you. He brought it up. ☺

      • He did and I pointed out to him that he just called me an idiot. LOL

      • My reason is simple…sometimes in life you have to take a chance if you want to be happy. I love my husband, he told me about his past, I decided to be cautiously optimistic and proceed. I haven’t regretted my decision yet and we’ve been together 7 years. If he cheats, we’re done. That’s simply who I am and that would be my attitude if I was with anyone regardless of their past. For me, fidelity is everything. I give mine and I expect it in return.

  3. Lee Johnson says:

    So you got cheated on, and it was your fault, too! Nice.

    • johnribner13 says:

      Perhaps you misread my point. I didn’t say that the cheating was the “fault” of the other person, I said that the other person’s behavior can make it more attractive for their partner to cheat. Make sense?

  4. deb says:

    So ….why did you?

    • johnribner13 says:

      Deb: You’re new here so perhaps you didn’t read the slogan of my blog: “J.P. Ribner’s journey out of shame, pain and parental narcissism.” The person that I used to be many many years ago – the cheater – is not the person I am today, mainly because after so many years, I finally did the work I needed to do to recognize the bad patterns in my life and make a change for the better. It was only AFTER this process that I met Rosemary, thus my cheating – which I believe is more of a symptom than the disease – is part of many self-defeating behaviors that I’ve left far behind.

  5. deb says:

    Uh ….why did you choose to marry him?

    • I answered up there but I’ll add it here too with additional information.

      My reason is simple…sometimes in life you have to take a chance if you want to be happy. I love my husband, he told me about his past, I decided to be cautiously optimistic and proceed. I haven’t regretted my decision yet and we’ve been together 7 years. If he cheats, we’re done. That’s simply who I am and that would be my attitude if I was with anyone regardless of their past. For me, fidelity is everything. I give mine and I expect it in return. 85% of men cheat…I was likely going to end up with someone else who cheated in their past as well – I went in with knowledge that most people don’t offer up. My husband was honest and I believe that people can change if they choose to and again, I love him so I was willing to risk it.

  6. […] good of it and the bad of it. In some cases as I’ve illustrated and my husband illustrated in his blog…people are driven away and make a bad situation worse by cheating. If don’t want to be […]

  7. notthiswoman says:

    I agree with 1-5 but 6, not so much and you left out 7.

    7. Human Nature- We are not swans or penguins, we are human. It is in our nature to be with other people. Sex is not the important part of any relationship. Love is the important thing and if you love someone completely you understand that there is always a chance they will open their legs or stick their dick in to someone other than you. If they then come home to you and don’t lie to you they are in love with you and that meat they just sampled was just that, “meat”. Does it feel good? Nope but is it worth giving up all the other great parts of your relationship? Nope. I have also found that when someone is given permission to stray the need and desire just aren’t there anymore. That whole, “If you love someone, set them free” thing is real but you have to have faith in your love for each other.

    (6) “And women who stay with a guy who admits to having cheated in all his past relationships are just too stupid to try to help so I won’t even try.”
    Well first, I don’t think you thought that one through or else you think your wife is stupid which I don’t think is true and you have certainly try to help yourself by staying faithful to her. My other problem with it is that it isn’t true. Once/Always only happens when the relationships stay the same or similar. When you meet the one you connect with completely and they feel the same the behaviors that you discussed aren’t there anymore. Still it is possible that a person will stray and see #7 on those reasons but the bad reasons for cheating aren’t there anymore.

    Sorry this is so long but I had lots to say on this. I am currently with a man that I was with 15 years ago and back then I was so immature emotionally that I did a bit of all 1-5. Now that I am 100% on our relationship and able to let the other shoe drop if it wants to, our love is able to bloom and bloom thru everything.

    • johnribner13 says:

      Sometimes I write things for shock value alone, so no, I wasn’t calling my (current) wife stupid. My ex is a whole ‘nother story. LOL And of course I don’t believe that the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater” is a one-size-fits-all label for everyone who’s ever made the mistake of straying. I used to in past relationships but not with my current wife. Reason being, by the time Big Girls Guide and I met, I was going through some much-needed self-work to heal from parental narcissism, damage done to my psyche by a near lifetime of bullying, and a drive-by shooting. While I’m not out of the woods yet, I’m a far bit from the person I used to be, hence no longer driven to cheat whenever I feel abandoned, unmanned, etc. Hope this clears things up a bit…

  8. marriedheat says:

    I’m also going to add another item to your list. This goes along with notthiswoman’s comment of “our love is able to bloom and bloom through everything”.

    I do not agree with the “bloom through everything” scenario. Here’s why.

    Heather and I have had 30 years of ups and downs. Heather came from a family that freely hugged, kissed, and showed a lot of affection for each other. I, on the other end of the spectrum, came from a family of boys and men. My mom was a tomboy and I had two brothers, and dad. We never hugged. We never kissed. We rarely heard, “I love you”.

    Heather has always been frustrated with my discomfort in hugs and kisses. I have always been frustrated when she tried to make me hug and kiss her. I am the champion hugger and kisser in the passion of making love but, outside of that, I’m hard to break through. I love my wife with a passion but I show it more in the bedroom.

    Before you judge me, I’ve been getting better and better at giving her hugs and kisses randomly during the day, and sending her little love notes through texting and Facebook. The phrase, “I love you” is HUGE to me. I don’t say it unless I really, REALLY mean it. Heather ends all phone calls with the family saying a quick, “Love ya, bye” click. I don’t let her do that with me. I tell her to stop, think about it, and say, “I love you.” Then I tell her I love her. I don’t do, “love ya, bye”.

    The point is, my wife has always had this “I’m better suited to handle the love stuff in this relationship” attitude. She’s always figured she is better than me in that regard. I’ve always gone along with it. As I get better at showing my affection, Heather becomes more content. It has created a situation that has, and continues to be detrimental to our long term relationship. I call it the “Contentment Paradox”.

    Contentment Paradox is simply feeling so content in your relationship that you stop doing the little things to keep your relationship fresh and passionate. That’s the paradox. At some point, the contented spouse will get an angry “wake-up call” from the other spouse; the spouse doing all the little things and receiving nothing but a smile or hug back. One spouse is content and the other is wanting.

    So my addition to the list is this: Do not become content in your relationship. Strive for moments of contentment. I am very content to make love and cuddle afterward. But after that moment, no matter how long it lasts, is over, it’s time to start looking for the next moment. Never, EVER become content in your overall relationship. Always strive to do more to become closer and more connected to your spouse.

    Yup, that was a novel.

  9. […] referring to the reactions of some of my friends after they read my last blog entry, “So He Cheated: Here’s Why.” My lovely wife followed up with the counterpoint piece, “So […]

  10. […] Reblogged from Trauma Central […]

  11. DogDharma says:

    Absolutely perfect!

    I posted 3 articles on this topic. but from my unusual angle. The 3rd one is mainly Sam Smith’s great song “I’m Not the Only One,” but it contains links to my two previous posts. I hope you don’t mind me sharing.

    http://dogdharma.wordpress.com/2014/09/24/im-not-the-only-one/

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