Yesterday, my wife linked the post “How to Date a Fat Girl” by blogger Adipose Activist. In her manifesto, Adipose lists her eight ironclad rules that she believes men must abide when dating – or trying to date – fat women. While I agree with her for the most part – most men don’t know how to talk to women in general – I felt that fat women might also benefit from a few rules for dating fat admirers, aka “FAs.”

It should come as no surprise that I’m a big girl lover from way back; my wife’s blog is The Big Girl’s Guide, for crying out loud! Anyway, in my dating experiences, I’ve noticed a few annoying traits that many of BBWs continue to indulge in … even when they should be long past these immature “stages” mostly associated with our teenage years and early 20s. So, without any further ado, here’s J.P. Ribner’s rules for dating FAs. Take heed, big girls!

Rule No. 1: Lose the attitude. Yeah, I said it. Some of you fat girls have nasty attitudes, the result of defense mechanisms fortified after years and years of ridicule. I get it. The problem is, being so defensive ALL the time practically guarantees you’ll also come off abrasive to the very men who would otherwise be interested in dating you! (Read that again and let it sink in.) As a young man, I had the patience to attempt to weather these storms in hopes for sunny days on the other side. Sometimes it worked, but sometimes it didn’t. If I were single and dating now, the typical BBW bad attitude would be a turn off, and I would simply move on in search of sunnier climes. After all, there are plenty of other fat fish in the sea!

Rule No. 2: Don’t shame him. As previously stated, many BBWs are carrying around the trauma of being ridiculed, used, and looked upon as less-than. Problem is, not EVERY man is like this. Angrily grilling each potential suitor over his intentions is not exactly the best way to win friends and influence people. Niether is shouting “Are you one of those freaks who’s into fat chicks?” across an open bar. These attitudes won’t protect you from being rejected, ladies. In fact, they practically guarantee you’ll turn off someone who was legitimately interested in you. It’s like my wife said, “Being fat is not an easy thing but being a man who loves fat women can’t be much easier. They get teased, shamed and looked down upon for their desires too. When a man on a dating site uses a moniker that indicates he likes BBWs, don’t shit on him for it.”

Rule No. 3: You’re not a magician. Ladies, it’s time to ditch the “disappearing act. Or maybe its teleportation? You big girls know what I’m talking about – insisting on having sex with the lights off, and using blankets to cover up and hide your body as you slide into bed. This might fly on your first couple times together; but if we’ve been together for nearly a year and are sharing “I love yous,” there’s absolutely no reason for the Criss Angel routine. We men are visual and FAs are no exception. We want to see your bodies because looking at them turns us on. So from now on, it’s lights on and covers off! Same goes for how you dress. Just because you’re fat doesn’t mean you have to hide yourself behind billowing dresses and oversized Warner Brothers cartoon character T-shirts. Dress sexy and reveal those curves that drive us FAs wild!

Rule No. 4: Turn off the spotlight. You know, the cognitive bias known as “the Spotlight Effect,” where you think everyone is staring at you all the time. I swear, many of my erstwhile BBW lovers have sounded like paranoid schizophrenics when we were out on a date. One never ordered more than a side salad (no dressing, of course) and Diet Coke, while another didn’t order anything at all! She just stared at me awkwardly as I devoured my burger. They also thought other women – the dreaded “skinny bitches” – were staring at me. My girlfriends would say, “They’re wondering what you’re doing with a fat pig like me!” Newsflash, ladies: you’re not mind-readers, and no one is scrutinizing your every move. Now just relax and enjoy the evening … and don’t be afraid to order dessert!

Rule No. 5: Confidence is sexy. You’ve probably heard this a million times, but it really is true. We proud, out-of-the-closet FAs have faced our demons, both inside and out, and have admitted to the world that we prefer bigger women. If you’re not at the same level, self-acceptance-wise, than you’ll be unable to accept our compliments when we genuinely say how beautiful you look to us. BBWs without a sense of true confidence will immediately invalidate the compliment, saying something like, “Don’t be silly, I’m a big fat cow!” There’s no quicker way to make us NOT want to compliment you ever again, which is a shame because we do find you beautiful – we’re dating you, after all – and we want to say it. But when you act like there’s something wrong with you, you’re also saying there’s something wrong with us for being attracted to you. Simply put, it’s a huge turn-off … so don’t be that girl.

Well, That About Sums it Up
As they’re all interrelated, each one feeds into and off the other. (No pun intended.) At the end of the day, it all comes down to truly being comfortable in your own skin, which is the biggest challenge each one of us faces, whether we’re fat or skinny, short or tall, black, white, or brown, etc. Whatever mile marker you’ve just passed, I hope this list helps you on your journey.

About J.P. Ribner
J.P. Ribner is the author of Viking fantasy adventure series “The Berserker’s Saga.” Currently, the saga features two novels – “Legacy of the Bear” and “Prophecy of the Bear.” For more about his written work, check out his website.


  1. Reblogged this on The Big Girl's Guide and commented:
    The list all of us Big Girls have always wanted and NEEDED. My husband, an unabashed FA from way back, put a list of rules on how to successfully date FAs.

    Insecurities from years of ridicule caused many of us Big Girls to make the same mistakes with men over and over.

    Take this advice and go out and find love!

  2. […] my husband wrote How to Date a Fat Admirer. In it he gave a short list of rules you should follow to be successful in the realm of love.  As […]

  3. As a FFA, I feel you on #2. I recently read something that said that FAs who want to talk about how we do take crap for our personal preferences are just trying to usurp the spotlight from fat people – and I was like…what?! No, I’m trying to be a good ally, but I’m automatically treated with ridicule from one side, and suspicion from another. And that is hard sometimes, and we should speak up about that.

  4. narcopathcrusher says:

    Great post! I like the fact that you recognise and validate a fat person’s past trauma but you don’t give them a free pass in self pity and inferiority complexes. My personal belief is that if it isn’t healthy it isn’t sexy. If someone needs to lose weight it should be for better health and not as a result of abuse and shaming. Same with gaining weight of course (because i know many people who bounce from bulimia to anorexia and then back)

  5. […] tell me that my ex has gained some weight and is now a size 18. This was a clear reference to the post I made basically outing myself as a big girl lover. My relative also mentioned that my ex has […]

  6. Kharizma says:

    I really enjoyed reading your list. It rang true on so many levels for me. Especially the part about the lights,lol. I’m a work in progress.


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